I've been single for about 3 years. In my last relationship, I was with someone who was completely wrong for me. And before him, another one, this time a pathological liar. And he was good! I bought his stories for a few years. Amazing what one will put up with when one is tired of being on one's own... And it's also no secret that I hated this "status". Constantly looking for someone, looking everywhere, under every rock. I was putting feelers everywhere. Just in case there would be a bite. I was envious of my friends who would start relationships and be in that giddy phase. I tried very hard to be happy for them, not always successfully I'm ashamed to say. In other words, I was this pathetic lady you see and you think "no man will ever touch you, needy!!!" But as much as I was lonely and wanted to be with someone, what I could not do, however, was be with someone with whom I was NOT attracted to. Trust me, dear reader, I tried. And it doesn't work.
Last year the love of my life and a man I spent a good chunk of my formative years as a woman, reappeared in my life. Apparently he had been looking for me for many years. At first I was genuinely happy as I got tons of news about him and his family but as contact progressed, I started to wonder why he got in touch with me. Maybe it was because he was genuinely sorry for what happened, that life without me didn't turn out as well as he thought it would, or because he was looking for something, maybe a little excitement in his life. Who knows. All I know is that while it gave me the closure I needed, 12 years later, it also sent me into a tailspin of emotions that I really did not need and at one point became very complicated and showed all signs of reverting to the toxic merry-go-round we used to embark all the time. I recognized the signs... Nonetheless, like anything else that happened to me in my soon to be 55 years on this planet, I eventually decided it was enough and put an end to it. With time, my brain kept only the good things about this contact. I had been important in his life, I had "meant" something and while it was truly done and over with, it was nice (if I'm entirely honest) to know that he suffered while reconnecting with me. He went through a little bit of what I had to deal with 12 years ago. Karma I say... karma.
But I'm a nice person, I don't revel in someone's misfortune... much. I do wish him well and all the happiness in his chosen life.
So life continues as it always does. One day followed the next. My search continued, I was growing more frustrated, very close to becoming a bitter old lady. About 6 weeks ago, while spending yet another wasted evening on an online dating site only to have to deal with guys living 1,000 miles away telling me "you are THE PERFECT woman for me!", "Distance is meaningless when there is love!" or my all time favorite "I LOVE older women!" translating into "you're an old broad on an online dating site, you must be frustrated and willing to go for anything!"..... ahhh those hours I'll never get back... the clouds parted and I finally saw it clearly: Not every pot has a lid. There are some of us who will remain lidless for the rest of their days.
I will admit, I had a bit of a panic attack when I finally uttered this. But I calmed down and realized that it was probably why I kept meeting losers. I remember waking up the next day and feeling so much better. No expectations, no disappointments, nothing. It's simply not a goal. I leave it to others to fight, to constanly work at their relationship, to whine about their partners while swearing till they're blue in the face that they love them dearly! If I'm going to remain lidless, then it behooves me to make my life as good and comfortable as possible. Because let's face it, I don't "need" to be with someone. I have a good life, a good supportive (to a large extent) circle of friends. I make good money even though right now I cannot afford to go crazy. My relationship with my family is getting better. My mom is still a concern but I also decided NOT to make her illness mine. This gives me the emotional distance that I need if I want to continue to be there for her.
To close this very therapeutic post, I don't know why I responded/reacted to the photo. And by the way, my response was not rude... Hormones? who the heck knows :-P But it makes for an interesting post if I may say so myself. It cannot always be about running...