Frustrations

Week 3 of the training and while the bulk of it is going well, I'm more frustrated than I ever been since I started running over 3 years ago. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I blindly believe whatever people are telling me re shoes? Why am I so fucking afraid of doing what I really want to do???

Because I'm a fool.

Yes, I am. A fool because I believe that a solution can be found immediately. A fool because my body is changing and I do not want to accept it. A fool because I'm petrified of being injured again. A fool because I don't want to leave the gang I just joined. A fool because with running I feel important and that if it's removed, then I'll cease to be "someone" and will revert to just "be".

There. I said it. It's out.

Sometimes I feel that I'm back to being a kid, the only girl in a group of 3 brothers and I was so frustrated of not being included in their world because "I was a girl" therefore not worthy of being with them. All my life I suffered from this and I would jump through hoops trying to get acceptance. I would try to please to be invited back, I would do stuff for others so they would call me their friends, all the while forgetting who I really was and looking at myself as someone who really wasn't good enough to be part of that gang.

Boy stuff from our childhood really follow up through life doesn't it? People think children are resilient. And they are, to a point. If you don't give them a good basis, they have nothing to build on.

So now I find that I have a collection of shoes that are NOT good for me. Quite the opposite, they make me afraid of putting them on and head out for a run. They ARE comfortable mind you, they just give me blisters. That's the most frustrating part... when I bought my last few pairs, the guy at the store told me that elite will wear shoes that are much larger as their feet swell. And I thought, that's perfect! My feet swell too, I get very hot when I run so this will help me. I don't know if it's a combination of the heat/shoe/body glide/socks but I ended up with the BIGGEST blister that happened on top of ANOTHER one that was acquired last week. In other words, it's just not working out for me.

What to do? I got every single suggestion possible. New socks, try this one, that one, and that one. Use thicker Body Glide, blister powder. Tie your shoelaces differently. Get bigger shoes, no get smaller. Get orthotics even, run differently.

All I want is run with minimal discomfort. Seems simple non? Apparently not.

Someone mentioned to me that if minimalist shoes were NOT giving me blisters then why the heck not continue running with them. I'm afraid that I don't have enough miles to go for marathon training and now a big part of me is thinking that I have to STOP fearing and GET GOING. Because either way, it's not going to happen. If I continue with the bad shoes, I will totally suffer during that marathon and if I go minimalist or transition type shoe, I will probably slow down BUT will be able to enjoy my training AND finish the race with a smile on my face instead of a scowl of pain.

I will go to another store to get fitted for shoes. And they better give me something good because if this cannot be, then I have no other choice than to either cut the side of my foot or give up and take spinning and truly become a gym rat. But then again, I was told that if someone spends more than 1 hour in the gym, you're not using your time wisely.

Le sigh...