DA plan...

Well, the dating plan hasn't quite materialized the way I figured it would. Again, not new. A saying keeps floating in my mind every time I "think" something is going to happen.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

So effin true. Why on earth do I continue to haunt online dating sites when it's clearly not working? Good question... I've asked myself this so many times in the last few years, it's almost becoming a joke. But I'll give it a try. Bear in mind that these are VERY real feelings, they are mine and when I jump outside of my body (yes, I am THAT good LOL) and look at it from an outside perspective, I shake my head and think "oh you poor sweetie... you know it will happen when you least expect it, let it go, don't push so hard, etc., etc, etc..." yes, I've heard it all. I've said it all too. And yet, you'll find me thinking that maybe, just maybe this time it will be different.

So back to why I do it. Mainly it is because I think that if I don't continue I give up, simply give up on any hope of a relationship. I give up thinking that a partner would be wonderful to have in my life. Give up hoping. Look at the rest of my life and see only one silhouette, mine, walking into the sunset. Going to sleep alone and waking up alone. Never holding hands with anyone ever again. Never getting a hug from someone other than a friend on "Hug a Runner Day" once a year. I will dry inside, I will be an empty shell. A happy, content and seemingly well adjusted shell.

And for the life of me, I cannot let this happen.

Make no mistake, I am happy, happy deep inside, not just the outside fluff, I live a good life, I have fantastic people around me. I'm blessed. Truly blessed. I live comfortably, I can buy stuff without sacrificing something else. I can live in a good neighborhood, I can walk to and from work. I am healthy, I can run, spin, do yoga. I can afford a gym membership. I can afford to plan a trip to Paris next year as well as a race in Chicago. But a part of me is afraid of sending this "desperate for a relationship" vibe so maybe I'm overcompensating by being uber independent and maybe this is sending a wrong message.

So the online stuff has yielded mixed results, as always. Some that I thought had potential either turned out to be totally weird, one thought we were IN a relationship after 2 conversations on messenger. No meeting, just chat online. HUH??? another one stood me up and said he had no internet contact to let me know yet he did get my cell phone number in an earlier message. Clearly he wasn't that interested in meeting.

Then another bunch of first contact but no follow up. Yes, frustrating.

The meetup has not happened yet due to various circumstances and or focus. One of my friend has seen her workplace relocated to an area that requires about 2 hours to travel almost each way so is concentrating on finding another position back in the downtown core. This is something I totally support as there is no way in hell I'd commute 2 hours out of my day to go to work. But it takes up a lot of time/effort so going out is not high on her agenda. And I don't like to do these things on my own.

So I will continue to think about insanity and wonder if men will ever get it... that an independent woman can indeed be a great companion instead of a threat.

I think I may just go for a run instead :)