Never give up

I have been called determined many times in my life. I like that characteristic. It’s better than stubborn in my opinion...determined is more positive, you want to succeed and yet you know that if it’s stupid, dangerous or just plain silly, you’ll let it go.

Being determined makes things happen, the ones that are supposed to happen though. Not what is not meant to be. What is not meant to happen will NOT happen no matter what or how you try to make it happen. That’s when stubbornness comes into play. 

On Saturday I was invited to a fund raising event hosted by a few friends. Since I knew some in the group and therefore wouldn’t be on my own, I accepted to go (my friend was the auctioneer). I hadn’t seen many of them in a long time and I was the recipient, a very happy recipient too, of a lot of praise for the way I looked. Ok, this made me happy. In a superficial, ego stroking kind of way. Who doesn’t like to be told they look good? Even though it’s not my main goal, I’ve worked hard for the body I have and it feels good when positive feedback is received.

But while I was receiving the compliments, part of me was also very happy that I am a determined person. Determination is what keeps me going, make me go to the classes, continue to run even though it’s so hard sometimes. Never cease to amaze me just how it can be tough for the first 5k, my head is full of dark thoughts, my legs are stiff, achy, not painful but the left leg is definitely in need of TLC. Then just like magic, all settles and I am actually having good thoughts, I have fun, I look around me and feel good. And then I think yes, this is it, this is why you do it. And it’s one run, one yoga class, one pedal stroke on that bike closer to my goal. Sometimes when I run and I have my dark moments, I keep telling myself that it will get better, it always does get better and to trust myself. Self doubt is huge for me but I’m getting better. 

I have problems applying this to my personal life though. I keep thinking that I will never meet anyone, that love will not find me, that nobody will approach me because I give this harsh vibe and that they don’t want to be with me. But I get looks, guys look at me on the street, I’m not ugly, I can still get a second look. It’s just not happening right now and a small part of me is accepting this now. I am determined but not stubborn... It will happen, just not at this present moment. But soon, one day. I know it will. We’ll find each other and it will be great. I’m not ready to give up, not just yet.